A man is about to be married...
He tells his mother. The mom says "What? But who will love-a you like-a mama? Who will treat-a you nice? Who will-a make-a you lasagna?" The man replies, "Why are you talking like that mom, we aren't even Italian"
How does a 30 year old white man get a date?
Please be specific I'm very lonely.
Two men walk into a bar. The first man says "I'm Portuguese!" The second man says "I'm Portuguese too!" The bartender says "I'm also Portuguese!"
The bar was in Portugal.
Dave Smith. We met at Sandy's party last week and you said you'd loan me your lawn mower if I could stop by today.
Oh, right! Come on in.
Courtesy of Norm MacDonald on Conan.
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there…at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch…I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I…that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”