14. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
By the way, this really happened.
15. Programmers wife "can you go to the store and get a bottle of milk, and if they have eggs get 6". Programmer returns with 6 bottles of milk.
16. Heisenberg, Ohm, and Schrödinger are in a car on a highway. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the police officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The police says "You were doing 130 in 80." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The officer thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead body back here?"
"We do now, assh*le!" shouts Schrödinger.
The officer moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
17. Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
18. A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."
19. A surly English overseer is standing at the entrance to a construction site in London. It’s a filthy, wet day. He sees approaching him a shabby figure, with clay pipe clenched in mouth and a battered raincoat, and scowlingly thinks, Another effing Mick on the scrounge.
The Irishman shambles up to him and asks if there’s any casual job going. “You don’t look to me,” says the supervisor, “as if you know the difference between a girder and a joist.” “I do, too,” says the Irishman indignantly. “The first of them wrote Faust and the second one wrote Ulysses.”
20. Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit. The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear sh*t". The Second economist does and they continue their walk.
They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear sh*t". The First Economist does and they continue their walk. The First Economist then says, "I cannot help to think we both just ate bear sh*t for nothing". The Second Economist replies, "well not quite nothing, we did cause the GDP to grow by $200".
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